God is Faithful

I've prayed a million prayers

Honestly though, very few times has God provided what I've asked for.  Which is not to say that all of my prayers were out of necessity, because I've definitely prayed some shallowed prayers in my life but yesterday as I was asking God for some help and struggling with fully trusting Him, I began doubting my own faithfulness.

Although there have been many times I've doubted God, this was not one of them. 

This time I was doubting myself.

The gospel's are peppered with instances of Jesus telling His disciples how little faith they have when they don't quite succeed and it made me wonder if this is the same attitude that Jesus had towards me and my prayers.  In reality, it wouldn't be unwarranted my faith does waver at times but is that effecting the effectiveness of my prayers?

I began to wonder if my lack of faith was rendering my prayers ineffective, and that was a scary thought. 

But faith is a gift from God.

Faith was is something that I can muster up on my own wits to get my prayers answered, it is something only God can grant. 

My fear and my doubt were wholly fueled by  my false conception that my faithfulness was something that I gained of my own right, instead of as something that the spirit has blessed me with. It makes me think of the father in Mark 9 who so desperately wants healing for his possessed son. 

"'If you can'?" said Jesus.  "Everything is possible for one who believes."  Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe help me overcome my unbelief," Mark 9:23-24

Jesus does say that all can be accomplished through faith, but that doesn't mean we can't trust Him to provide that as well.

I began to trust God's faithfulness rather than my own.

Yesterday I prayed the prayer of that father over and over again trusting that God's faithfulness was enough to make up for my lack of it. 

My prayers and petitions were still left un-granted by God, at least for now anyways, and with some wisdom from a wonderful article in RELEVANT Magazine (http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/testimonies-not-yet-healed)  I realized that it is okay. 

Sometimes God doesn't give us all that we ask for, which is probably for our own good and sometimes He builds patience by granting gifts in His own time.

But regardless of whether or not God gives me what I ask, no matter how necessary it seems, He is faithful, loving and glorious all the same!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper  you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,"  Jeremiah 29:11

Eyes on Jesus

One of the most known and quoted miracle of Jesus is his walking on the water and it tends to get thrown around so frequently and it almost gets taken for granted at times, but I think it's one of the most significant stories in the bible.  In Matthews account of the story, Peter walks out onto the water with Jesus but begins to sink when he sees a huge wave and takes his eyes off of Jesus.  I've realized lately that it is so important to the m faith as a christian to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and to trust in him and his presence, because as soon as I take my eyes off of Jesus, I begin to sink.  I begin to fall and even if I follow every other rule and teaching that is laid out in the bible, they're all just meaningless rules if I take my eyes off of Jesus, they're all just trapping and limiting legalities if I take my eyes off of Jesus.  For me, this is one of the most important and significant teachings of Jesus, because without it, nothing else matters.  So I'm done taking this story lightly and and I'm done letting it be just another miracle that Jesus performed.  I'm making this story, this truth, a pivotal part of my faith and a story to base my trust in Jesus around, because if I keep my eyes fixed on Jesus I know that it will all be okay.  Even when the waves and the storms of life show up, I know that as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus I will be safe and I will never lose sight of why I live my life in the way that I do.

Incomprehenisble

I  think that so often my doubting of God comes from my desire and my attempts to rationalize God. I try and figure why and how it all works and fits together and I can't, parts of it just don't make sense, some things just don't seem to add up.  Then I think I start to question and doubt God's existence because I am unable to fully understand and rationalize how he works.  But in basing my doubt on my inability to comprehend Him, I am so prideful in thinking that I should be able to understand and process the way in which the God of the universe works, but in reality, He is so much bigger than my human mind and things sometimes don't seem to add up in my head because God's plans and purposes are so much more intricate than I as a human could ever possible comprehend which is why He calls me to faith, its why I'm not called to believe in the law of God the way I believe in the law of gravity.  Its because my mind just isn't big enough to understand it.  I need to stop trying to rationalize God and pridefully trying to reduce him to fit inside my small little brain and instead walk by faith, live in trust and rejoice that God is so much greater than I could ever know.

Perfection is My Enemy

So I feel like I'm failing at this whole christianity thing.  I mean I love Jesus so much and all I want to do is honor him with my life, serve him and glorify him but I'm failing miserably and its killing me.  Jesus died on the cross for my sins and I completely and totally don't deserve such a sacrifice so I feel like I want to give back to Jesus by serving him but I can't, I try so hard and I fail and its been really bothering me, mostly due to the fact that I'm not used to failing but also because Jesus deserves so much more.  But I guess I'm forgetting that I don't have to earn the love of Jesus, that he already loved me and that I don't have to earn grace, in John 19:30 right before Jesus dies on the cross, he says "it is finished," and I love that verse but lately I've definitely forgotten about it.  At that very moment, Jesus payed the full price for my sins and I was freed, regardless of what I do of who I become, at that moment it was "finished," there is nothing I can do that can change that and I guess maybe thats what Jesus wanted me to learn from my failures.  Maybe he wanted me to figure out that while it's great to serve him with my life, my service won't earn me anything and doesn't have to earn me anything because he already loves me more than I could ever comprehend, and he has already given his life for my sins.  So I try to serve Jesus and follow him and I fail, over and over again I fall short but in God's eyes it doesn't matter.  That is such a relief, that God doesn't judge us for our failures, he doesn't blame us or criticize us for falling short, he loves us through it all, and its no surprise that I didn't realize this until just now because this world that we live in is so based on achieving perfection and sets all these high expectations for us as humans but that's not how God works, he doesn't ask for perfection, he expects nothing of us, he just loves us unconditionally and yes he wants us to serve and glorify him with our lives but our service isn't a test and there is no benchmark to meet.  God's love and forgiveness is so much greater than any mistake I could ever make and he doesn't assess our ability to serve him, so I'm done assessing my success in serving Jesus because I serve and praise and glorify Him out of love and if I fail, I fail, I'll just get back up and try again because Jesus' love never fails.

Life To the Full

Lately I’ve realized how great of a hold the world has on me and how much society influences my actions and it’s because I let it, but why, my heart doesn’t belong to the world, my heart belongs to Jesus.  I find my self conforming to the mold that the world has created for me yet Romans 12 tells us not to conform to the world but to be transformed, but like a lot of other scripture I just took it as a guideline but never really put it into action, I’ve never made an effort to transform myself apart from the rules of society.  I’m done living the life the world says I should live and following the pattern that society has laid out for me, I’m done with all these expectations. I belong to Jesus! I want to live the life that he has set before me because I know that it has to be so much better than the one that society has laid out.  Jesus offers us so much and I’ve taken him up on most of it, the forgiveness, the love, the protection, the comfort but he also offers “life to the full,” I haven’t really taken him up on that one.  I want “life to the full,” so why haven’t accepted this gift of Jesus?  I guess if I’m honest, its because I’m scared of leaving the comforts of the society that I was raised to value so highly, I’m scared of judgement, of loneliness, of the unknown.  But I guess this shows how little I truly trust Jesus, he tells me that even that even the hairs on my head are numbered yet I can’t seem to let go of the safety net that is society, he tells me that he’ll never leave me or forsake but I can’t seem to let go of all control.  It seems completely irrational to me to completely let go but Jesus isn’t calling me to be rational, he’s not calling me to be practical, he’s calling me to trust in him and let go, he’s not calling me to live balanced, comfortable life, he’s calling me to trust completely and to love him beyond reason and I’m not sure what He has planned for me but I trust that its a heck of a lot better than the crap that society’s offering. So here’s to letting go, here’s to surrender!